Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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