Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
So apparently I’m into choking now
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize