I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
