is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
