yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Why are your pants in the freezer?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
