# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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