oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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