Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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