hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
