I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
me + whiskey = a bad person
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
