Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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