and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
