I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
