she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
