Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
