i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
