he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Randomize
