I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Randomize
