i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize