Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
