Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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