Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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