so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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