Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
