and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
