Umm I'm too high to move.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
