Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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