1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
