smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize