I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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