Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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