Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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