The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize