she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
