you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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