I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
