I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
