If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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