went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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