never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
