Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
