Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
you made out with another girl for some wings
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
