I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
