I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
