I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
