Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
