I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize