I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
