Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
