Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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