Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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