There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
