It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Randomize
