A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
