At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize