Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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