I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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