I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You made out with two different species that night
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize