I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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