He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
