I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
