If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
