My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
We are all done wearing pants today
I said "one day" and that day is not today
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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