remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
