if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
