you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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