I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize