Hey man sorry I got all grabby
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
