Your face is a jimmy john
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
