The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
