Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
