i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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