Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
