im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize