I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
